Present, tense

I've been really lax about posting. Since I got off the meds that kept me up 20+ hours a day, I find I have much less time. :-P I also must admit that I'm much more interested in listening to what others have to say than speaking up myself. I'm a bad blogger. Let's all agree and move on.
This post isn't really about any inner soul searching on specifically gender related issues. It's really about trying to hold on for dear life in a world that's changing in sudden and drastic ways.
My original plan (yes, I sort of had one) was to get my personal affairs in order.. let the things in my life I no longer valued - the superficial male attributes, the public theater of my perceived identity... my mask - just atrophy, while I tried to sow & grow a new life out of the things that really mattered. The work and career aspects were to be a future phase. Circumstances mandate a change of plans. Like so many places recently, our workplace just underwent an upheaval which tore away many of my coworkers. This actually feels like a preamble to the real reality check which could well leave my workplace, and it's totally non-essential business niche completely expendable. So I'm now focusing on not just who I am, but where I can fit in to a drastically changed landscape. How I can offer value to the marketplace, keep a roof over my head, and in any spare time, continue my journey of personal growth.
My personal journey has been sublimated to the more fundamental necessities of food and shelter. I hope the fruits of this pain will be wisdom. Meanwhile, I just try to keep my wits, remain optimistic (since pessimism is self fulfilling) and try to navigate these tribulations, doing as much good as I can and avoiding doing anything harmful.

The immigrant experience

I've been spending a lot of time reading others blogs and learning their stories. While I'm amazed, and actually relieved, to find out so many of our stories are so similar, I've also been a bit disheartened that I really have little to say that someone else hasn't already said better.
This probably isn't new either, but I haven't seen anyone express this before, so maybe it's something I can put out into the world that will be of use in describing the experience. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. Well, let me just lay it out & you decide whether it reflects your experience too.
A while ago, when setting up an online profile, I blithely tossed out the phrase "gender immigrant". I was really just trying to be clever, and hadn't thought much about it. But as soon as I read what I'd typed, I began to think about it. Maybe this just bubbled out of my subconscious, because the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the term really seemed to fit.
I was born into a culture where I was automatically accepted and nurtured, the only one who felt uncomfortable about my presence in this culture was me. Those who tried to acclimate me were perplexed & frustrated that I wasn't "getting it". They didn't BLAME me, but they couldn't understand why there was a problem. Meanwhile, once I hit the age where I understood there was another separate culture, I looked longingly across the gulf. They didn't acknowledge me or even know that I existed. I was "from the other side" and of no concern to them, yet I knew about them. I instinctively understood them. I spoke their language, though never taught, even though with "my own" language, I was at best ...remedial. I lived in my homeland for years. A ghost among the living. Unseen and uninvolved. I didn't miss what I had passed up. It was never of any interest to me anyway. Eventually, it all just got to me. I had to emigrate. I knew I would be "a traitor" to those who considered me a brother. I also knew I would never be accepted as a native by many in my new, chosen home. It didn't matter. A hard life in the place I felt in my core I always belonged, was better than an easy life in a place I never felt I belonged.
This isn't a perfect metaphor, but I think it's close enough to make my point. I don't want or expect a dream life. I just want to live an honest life. I hope I can make my way in my chosen land, and while never being accepted as a native, I do hope for a little respect and empathy as an immigrant who gave up so much to make a life in the land I always thought of as my home.

Makeover - Madness?

Here we are after Labor Day, when everyone but the celestial calendar considers it Autumn, and the weather seems to be the sultriest of the year.
Much as I love the summer, and always considered it my favorite season - what's not to love about insanely long days, breezy fragrant nights, sunshine & gauze-thin seasonal wear? Oops. Lost in temporary reverie. :} ahem. As I was saying, lovely as summer is, I find myself looking forward to Autumn. Even though it's streamy & hot, I find my mind wandering to cuddling up inside a warm, cozy sweater, the faint smell of woodstoves... long evening walks through rustling leaves... funny... I don't ever remember looking forward to any of these things before. It was just another quarter at work. A slightly higher light bill.
I really think it has to do with how much better I'm feeling about myself these days. I've dropped an embarrassing amount of weight - not that people thought me overweight - just a typical "doughy" american. But I had a body image in my mind.. an ideal self.. and weight, muscle tone and energy level were just some of the facets. Well, by somehow finding my focus, I'm actually getting there... these changes would probably seem sudden and drastic to an outside observer, but I've had the healthy lifestyle voice in my head for years.. maybe my entire life... I just managed to ignore it & behave like everyone else. Until recently.
To recap: down 38lbs. Walking a lot. Bike riding. Eating healthy. Starting to like myself - or who I'm becoming... side effects... smiling much more... engaging with people... looking forward to things... it's a subtle makeover to start, and so far no one seems to have noticed except for random comments about looking "younger" :) They say "youth is the best cosmetic", but barring that, confidence and vigor go a long way too.
I'm really itching to take things faster. Patience never was one of my virtues. Still, I remember how long it took me to dig this hole. I remind myself to be content with any progress however subtle or seemingly small to outside observers. Life is ...good... right now. And I intend to savor it.

Navel Gazing

At least nature had the good sense to make THAT an innie. :)
Imagine going through life wearing a bear suit. It could have some advantages. No one would invade your personal space - physically or figuratively. You'd feel reasonably secure in sketchy situations because it's easy to put up your fur, fix a stare, and make any predator think twice. ...and I guess you could evacuate in the woods anytime you got the urge... :)
The problem is, to the world... you're a bear. This has long term consequences to the being inside the bear suit....
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I made the bear suit. ...Crafted it when I was a little kid. It worked great. Slowly as it came together, I stopped getting the snot beat out of me. Stopped being publicly ridiculed by teachers for inappropriate (cluelessly effeminate) behavior, life became easier in the bear suit, Of course, life in the bear suit wasn't life at all. It was some kind of life-support but it prevented me from actually getting engaged & participating in life. While my peers were hormone-crazed adolescents, I stayed snug in my bear suit & watched it all go on around me. I found a job suitable for a bear, and got good enough at it to keep it for longer than I ever expected to be able to. I work with people who like bears. I'm not so sure they'd like the being in the bear suit, but eventually we will all find out.
For now I'm just struggling to get this damn thing off. I can't breathe!

Am I "Sybi"l? And is that bad?

Remember "Herman's Head" the Fox Sitcom where all the inner voices in the protagonist's subconscious were portrayed by a clever ensemble of personality types? In classic Fox tradition, it (at least in my opinion) was a cleverly fresh idea, well executed and nearly instantly killed because the masses 'didn't get it'.
My point is, I think recently there has been a "management shakeup" going on between my own ears. The "me" I presented to the world for almost my entire life - from the moment as a small child that I learned through trial and error the behavior and mannerisms (or lack of) that wouldn't get me beaten, taunted & tortured by the other kids - is starting to atrophy. The guy the world saw kept quiet, stayed out of things. He wasn't aloof. Just someone who kept to himself. It's not as if anyone desired his company, so it was mutually acceptable to the world & the individual. Since he had no self-respect for the facade the world accepted, he let it get go to hell from lack of care and maintenance.
There were other aspects to this person's personality, including one at least as strong and capable of dominance as the one that the world saw. She had self-respect, passion - for life & the people encountered on the journey. She had sit passively in the back corner. Patiently biding her time. Occasionally disapproving the behavior of "the guy" but seldom getting involved. The "guy" for his part, tried to not be a hypocrite or to deny her place in his soul. However lack of a lying rebuke is far from a loving embrace. Eventually it was clear to both that a change in priorities was in order. A management shakeup if you will. He would withdraw to the far corner, while she ascended to manage things.
It's a big difference in management style. She's outgoing and engaged. She smiles. She genuinely likes people and actually engages in amiable banter with total strangers - supermarket cashiers, bank tellers, traffic cops... she even walks up to befuddled tourists & offers to help - and they gladly accept! She should have taken over long ago. No use whining about missed opportunities. She's making the most of each moment. Overhauling & rehabing the long neglected domicile - eating better, exercising, practicing preventative maintenance (routine Dr visits vs frantic ER visits).
It's a long overdue change. Well, big "C" change made up of countless little "c" changes. The changes are still subtle and mostly internal. The only manifestation is that even though the world may still see the "guy"... the shell is dissolving. What's underneath is Her. It may take the world a long time to notice, but from the inside looking out, the change is apparent, more than welcome, and long, long, LONG overdue.
So. Am I "Sybil"? Is that a bad thing? And was using the third person confusing or disturbing? Frankly, it's all just me. It's always just been facets of the same stone. It just seemed that using the third person was an effective way to articulate it clearly.

It's the little things that matter

I can swallow again! It's kind of funny how many insanely simple things we take for granted... like breathing without an inhaler, and swallowing. I think I brought this on myself. When my voice started to come back, it was about 1/3 octave in a register I never had, even as a guy. It's the "rumble of hell" voice from all those horror movies. Well, it was more expressive than the sound of a slow air leak - which is what I had before - so I tried to "limber up" my vocal chords by doing the sort of exercises singers do to warm up. Big, big, BIG mistake. Not only did my voice "suede up" during the day, but by the next morning I again couldn't talk AND now was so sore, just the act of swallowing saliva was like eating a handful of jacks. I may be slow to get a point, but eventually things usually sink in. I've been totally silent - except for the few things I HAD to do @ work. And since hearing the sounds I make seems to be as painful as actually making them, I got cut a lot of slack at work.
Now that I can swallow again, it's time to get reacquainted with my old friend coffee. Then lets see how far I can get through the day without saying a word. Since talking is the worst thing for me, it's all I can think about right now. At least I can still sigh. And that can be the most expressive sound of all. :)

Curse you, Big Pharma!

I recently ... well, actually it was well over a month ago, had a bout with what I thought was a flu-like thing... only when the fever broke, the rest of the symptoms just lingered. For weeks. I finally went to see my Dr about it. After the XRays showed no signs of pneumonia, she wrote out reams of RX for a shopping bag full of drugs. My pharmacist was so pleased he gave me this complimentary gift pack filled with skincare products. (You don't think he was trying to tell me something, do you? ...Ssshh, neurotic voice!). Back on topic. I've been popping the antibiotics & huffing the prescription inhalers, and while I no longer sound like Darth Vader when I breathe, my uvula feels like it's the size of a cucumber, and I can barely talk or swallow. When I finally looked up my insanely expensive prescription inhalers online, the first side effect listed was "horseness"! I need my voice for my work. This is not good. Right now my sound ranges from wind in the trees to a rattling metal door on an old shed. I am not happy. Some other interesting side effects - insomnia (not quite true - I get about 2 hours a night), and elevated Blood Pressure - which when I read that & checked at the supermarket was 160/110. =o Fortunately my arteries must be made of kevlar, because I haven't popped one yet. ...Yet. ;)
Which gets me to my second topic - meditation & self hypnosis. My BP was always a bit high. It runs in both sides of my family. Previous doctors have handed me shopping bags - seriously - big Macy's like shopping bags with little cardboard handles... FILLED with "samples" of blood pressure pills. Now I'm not anti-drug. It's just never my first resort. I asked one doctor if losing some weight and regular exercise - walks & bikerides - would help. He said, "yeah that would probably work too". I finally found an awesome MD who has ...a broader perspective... when she found my BP was high, she suggested walks and deftly mentioned altering my diet ...suggesting low fat foods ...but never directly mentioning dropping weight :) She also suggested using relaxation techniques to lower my BP. She let me try a biofeedback machine in her office & my BP dropped about 15 points in 10 minutes. That's when I started to dabble in the meditation/self-hypnosis stuff. It all seems like "directed focus" ...distractions are squelched & the attention lasers in on a particular thing... breathing, heartrate, whatever. It seems to me that the only difference between meditation and (self) hypnosis is that hypnosis uses the focused state as a means to a goal, where with meditation the state is it's own point.
My point - finally. Still huffing the meds until the prescription runs out in 8 more days. Learning to "zone" thru meditation/self-hypnosis I have my BP down to 130/80. And once (I pray) the voice comes back, my stress level should be waay down & I won't have to work so hard - in an intensely relaxed way - to keep my BP down to normal human levels.
OMG - sorry to be so verbose. I think because I can't speak in my day to day (at least without scaring children and inadvertantly summoning demons) it's kind of pouring out here like a burst dam....(n) Oh well. It's out there. I'm not taking any of it back. I promise to be more succinct - and I hope interesting - in the future.
I can't believe you're still reading this :)