The immigrant experience

I've been spending a lot of time reading others blogs and learning their stories. While I'm amazed, and actually relieved, to find out so many of our stories are so similar, I've also been a bit disheartened that I really have little to say that someone else hasn't already said better.
This probably isn't new either, but I haven't seen anyone express this before, so maybe it's something I can put out into the world that will be of use in describing the experience. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. Well, let me just lay it out & you decide whether it reflects your experience too.
A while ago, when setting up an online profile, I blithely tossed out the phrase "gender immigrant". I was really just trying to be clever, and hadn't thought much about it. But as soon as I read what I'd typed, I began to think about it. Maybe this just bubbled out of my subconscious, because the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the term really seemed to fit.
I was born into a culture where I was automatically accepted and nurtured, the only one who felt uncomfortable about my presence in this culture was me. Those who tried to acclimate me were perplexed & frustrated that I wasn't "getting it". They didn't BLAME me, but they couldn't understand why there was a problem. Meanwhile, once I hit the age where I understood there was another separate culture, I looked longingly across the gulf. They didn't acknowledge me or even know that I existed. I was "from the other side" and of no concern to them, yet I knew about them. I instinctively understood them. I spoke their language, though never taught, even though with "my own" language, I was at best ...remedial. I lived in my homeland for years. A ghost among the living. Unseen and uninvolved. I didn't miss what I had passed up. It was never of any interest to me anyway. Eventually, it all just got to me. I had to emigrate. I knew I would be "a traitor" to those who considered me a brother. I also knew I would never be accepted as a native by many in my new, chosen home. It didn't matter. A hard life in the place I felt in my core I always belonged, was better than an easy life in a place I never felt I belonged.
This isn't a perfect metaphor, but I think it's close enough to make my point. I don't want or expect a dream life. I just want to live an honest life. I hope I can make my way in my chosen land, and while never being accepted as a native, I do hope for a little respect and empathy as an immigrant who gave up so much to make a life in the land I always thought of as my home.

Makeover - Madness?

Here we are after Labor Day, when everyone but the celestial calendar considers it Autumn, and the weather seems to be the sultriest of the year.
Much as I love the summer, and always considered it my favorite season - what's not to love about insanely long days, breezy fragrant nights, sunshine & gauze-thin seasonal wear? Oops. Lost in temporary reverie. :} ahem. As I was saying, lovely as summer is, I find myself looking forward to Autumn. Even though it's streamy & hot, I find my mind wandering to cuddling up inside a warm, cozy sweater, the faint smell of woodstoves... long evening walks through rustling leaves... funny... I don't ever remember looking forward to any of these things before. It was just another quarter at work. A slightly higher light bill.
I really think it has to do with how much better I'm feeling about myself these days. I've dropped an embarrassing amount of weight - not that people thought me overweight - just a typical "doughy" american. But I had a body image in my mind.. an ideal self.. and weight, muscle tone and energy level were just some of the facets. Well, by somehow finding my focus, I'm actually getting there... these changes would probably seem sudden and drastic to an outside observer, but I've had the healthy lifestyle voice in my head for years.. maybe my entire life... I just managed to ignore it & behave like everyone else. Until recently.
To recap: down 38lbs. Walking a lot. Bike riding. Eating healthy. Starting to like myself - or who I'm becoming... side effects... smiling much more... engaging with people... looking forward to things... it's a subtle makeover to start, and so far no one seems to have noticed except for random comments about looking "younger" :) They say "youth is the best cosmetic", but barring that, confidence and vigor go a long way too.
I'm really itching to take things faster. Patience never was one of my virtues. Still, I remember how long it took me to dig this hole. I remind myself to be content with any progress however subtle or seemingly small to outside observers. Life is ...good... right now. And I intend to savor it.

Navel Gazing

At least nature had the good sense to make THAT an innie. :)
Imagine going through life wearing a bear suit. It could have some advantages. No one would invade your personal space - physically or figuratively. You'd feel reasonably secure in sketchy situations because it's easy to put up your fur, fix a stare, and make any predator think twice. ...and I guess you could evacuate in the woods anytime you got the urge... :)
The problem is, to the world... you're a bear. This has long term consequences to the being inside the bear suit....
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I made the bear suit. ...Crafted it when I was a little kid. It worked great. Slowly as it came together, I stopped getting the snot beat out of me. Stopped being publicly ridiculed by teachers for inappropriate (cluelessly effeminate) behavior, life became easier in the bear suit, Of course, life in the bear suit wasn't life at all. It was some kind of life-support but it prevented me from actually getting engaged & participating in life. While my peers were hormone-crazed adolescents, I stayed snug in my bear suit & watched it all go on around me. I found a job suitable for a bear, and got good enough at it to keep it for longer than I ever expected to be able to. I work with people who like bears. I'm not so sure they'd like the being in the bear suit, but eventually we will all find out.
For now I'm just struggling to get this damn thing off. I can't breathe!