Saturday, September 13, 2008

The immigrant experience

I've been spending a lot of time reading others blogs and learning their stories. While I'm amazed, and actually relieved, to find out so many of our stories are so similar, I've also been a bit disheartened that I really have little to say that someone else hasn't already said better.
This probably isn't new either, but I haven't seen anyone express this before, so maybe it's something I can put out into the world that will be of use in describing the experience. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. Well, let me just lay it out & you decide whether it reflects your experience too.
A while ago, when setting up an online profile, I blithely tossed out the phrase "gender immigrant". I was really just trying to be clever, and hadn't thought much about it. But as soon as I read what I'd typed, I began to think about it. Maybe this just bubbled out of my subconscious, because the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the term really seemed to fit.
I was born into a culture where I was automatically accepted and nurtured, the only one who felt uncomfortable about my presence in this culture was me. Those who tried to acclimate me were perplexed & frustrated that I wasn't "getting it". They didn't BLAME me, but they couldn't understand why there was a problem. Meanwhile, once I hit the age where I understood there was another separate culture, I looked longingly across the gulf. They didn't acknowledge me or even know that I existed. I was "from the other side" and of no concern to them, yet I knew about them. I instinctively understood them. I spoke their language, though never taught, even though with "my own" language, I was at best ...remedial. I lived in my homeland for years. A ghost among the living. Unseen and uninvolved. I didn't miss what I had passed up. It was never of any interest to me anyway. Eventually, it all just got to me. I had to emigrate. I knew I would be "a traitor" to those who considered me a brother. I also knew I would never be accepted as a native by many in my new, chosen home. It didn't matter. A hard life in the place I felt in my core I always belonged, was better than an easy life in a place I never felt I belonged.
This isn't a perfect metaphor, but I think it's close enough to make my point. I don't want or expect a dream life. I just want to live an honest life. I hope I can make my way in my chosen land, and while never being accepted as a native, I do hope for a little respect and empathy as an immigrant who gave up so much to make a life in the land I always thought of as my home.

5 comments:

alan said...

"in my new, chosen home."


I think your description most eloquent! Though not a "gender immigrant" I have felt that way about other things in my life, and for most of it.

I desperately hope the day comes when you are accepted without question! You are a gift to this place you've decided to call home, much more so because you had to chose; have had to emigrate to get there; it's taken a very conscious effort, unlike those who were born there!

I remember reading years ago of someone who had taken her citizenship test and knew far more of her chosen country and it's history and it's "workings" than those who were born here. I always felt like she deserved her citizenship far more than I!

Welcome home...thank you for chosing it, and for sharing your gifts, your eloquence and your charm with me!

alan

alan said...

Hoping all is well...thinking of you...

alan

alan said...

Me again...just came from Dee's and saw your kind words there again. You have to know that your feet aren't your only tolerable features, dear! You have an beautiful mind and a wonderful heart...I've come to appreciate them much as I see your comments other places!

alan

Véro B said...

OK, blowing my own horn time. I wrote about something similar in August 2007. I think I've brought up that metaphor more than once, but that's the one I could find.

alan said...

I like the new photo...hope everything else is wonderful!

alan